Movement

I haven't been here in so long. I had almost totally forgotten about this. This digital stop, this emotional beat. I'm so different now. Years of real loss will do that. So much of my life has changed that I find it hard to even access the feelings that would drive me here. I realize now I used this space to be my most melancholy... and needlessly dramatic. It felt important and genuine to have all of this big pain spilling out everywhere. I think now that I just wanted to feel that I had actually experienced "real love" and "heartbreak". Not that my feelings weren't authentic, just that I used this space to wallow in them so completely. These days so much of what I thought I knew about myself and my life has changed. I don't have to immerse myself in sadness to prove I can feel. Life has proven that quite capably. I can't pretend I'm never dramatic or sad, but I no longer feel the need to memorialize it. I tried to put myself in the headspace that used to inevitably drive me here, and I failed. I got nostalgia and lightweight embarassment. Anyway, I've moved on. I just thought a really overdue update might satisfy in some way. 

Love and light, all. 

Because ...

This is not even a real post. Just thoughts strung (mildly) strung together. But here goes, just the same.

Because I've only just allowed myself to realize this. Because it's taken me this long to even see it. Because I've done what my people have always done, bear the weight, carry the burden. Because my heart had been broken before, and my spirit had been broken before, but I didn't realize that my back was broken. Because pain is always been real and constant, I didn't know what I was doing to myself. Because it was a safer place to move inside my own pain. Because seeing how far gone I was would have made me feel more like a fool. Because admitting the truth of what I wanted and what I needed and how I never would have gotten them in you is an unending slog of recrimination. Because I can finally be angry, even though I don't want to be angry. Because I robbed myself. Because I lied to myself. Because what I always thought I was was realistic and honest about me and because I was a liar. Because I made the wrong choices. Because I chose the wrong family. Because I never believed that you were wrong. Because I thought I understood things but I didn't understand. Because I thought I knew a magical trick to existence. Because I'm terrified that even with knowing all of this, I'd go back and do it again. Because who trained me that what you needed was more important than what I need? Because sometimes my insides are gaping maw of nothing and I feel like that's maybe all I can ever be. Because that's not right and that's not fair. And life's not right and it's not fair. Because I hate that I can still feel like this. Because you did this to me and because I let you. And because you don't have to feel this and I do. Because you made me write this shit and feel this shit and live this shit and I don't wanna. And because at the end of the day this is just one more shout into the void and it means nothing, except that I had to say it. Because

Cold water

The thing that I couldn't admit, most especially to myself, is ... you broke my heart.  I could follow that up with words and elaboration, but let's stick with brutal honesty.

You broke my heart.

what must be said

I love you. I loved you then, I still love you. I loved you in the best way that I knew how. I may not have always been completely honest with either of us about this, but it was real. I miss you everyday. It angers me when I realize that I cannot talk to you. What I really can't seem to recover from is the loss of trust. I was more honest and free and just plain open with you than with almost anyone else in my life. And you broke that. And I don't know how to get it back. It's like everything I knew about our relationship was a lie. Perhaps I'm overstating, but that's how it feels. It makes me doubt myself.  Doubt that the things I felt and believed in were real. When I think of all the ways I feel betrayed about this - of all the times you had to have lied to me or lied by omission - it hurts. More than hurts really, it feels like a gaping wound. It's like there is a part of me broken because you're not there. But to have you back, it would never be the same. I don't know how I would ever trust you again. Or believe you. And that is the worst thing.

Often I think of calling you. But I never do, because what would we even say to each other? There's not a remedy for this thing that is broken between us. Or maybe it's just me. Possibly you feel ready to move on and try again. But I can't. I just can't. Maybe one day I'll be in a place where I can get past this feeling. But right now, everytime I think about you, it makes me unbearably sad and still irrationally angry. And I don't want to be angry. I just want to be - be happy, be loved, be me.

I miss you so much.



*

Sundown

I wanted to write you a letter, but it felt inappropriate. So I thought about it, and came up with this. This forum certainly helps no one but me, but that’s my prerogative.

My dear,

So you did it. You got married. Congratulations. Huzzah.  I am happy for you, whether that’s what you want or not. After all, I wish you happiness now and evermore. And I genuinely wish you not just happiness, but joy. The great majority of me sincerely hopes that is what your nuptials bring you, joy. And if there is some small, inexplicable piece of me that worries that you might not have found it, that piece forces me to write.

I believe in you.  I have believed in you for a long time, despite often having no reason to do so, and occasionally having cause to actively not believe in you. I believe that you know how to live your life well. I believe that you can achieve all of the goals you and others have set for yourself. But I worry, that you don’t live your life to the fullest – That you may not be able to see past those goals and achievements to find sublime peace and infinite wonder. I hope that this is not the case, that your marriage will give you wings to fly, not more anchors to weight your soul.

I am not in love with you. I have previously been so, but I moved on in the face of blatant indifference and stagnant indecision. Along the way, I figured out that what I truly loved about you was us. Our connection was the best non-familial, female-male relationship of my life. I have never loved anyone that way I loved you and I never shall again. So, that is what I mourn upon hearing of your wedding. And I know that is a large part of your own deceit. I am sad knowing that the link that we share can never be the same again. It would be unfair and unrealistic to even try to hold on to the old “us”. So my concern for you and the bereavement of our loss is solitary. And that is as it should and must be.

From a world apart and simultaneously not far away, I wish you the best. Blessings be upon you both.  I hope that your union is a blessed one and that you never walk alone.  I plea that you love her better than you did me and that she adore you and fight for you in a way I never could.

In case I didn’t make this clear earlier, there is no more “us”. We are now friends in a general sense and through the social media lens. Unsurprisingly, I miss you, but I have to find my own wings to soar. I fervently wish to find the divine happiness of living past expectations – and spending my life bemoaning the past is not the way to get there.  I know that you wish me the same luck I wish you.

Love,

Me